Anaconda (2024 Chinese Remake)

REVIEW:

The first thing you should know is that I have a phobia of snakes, all sizes, big, small, venomous, non venomous, they all terrify me. So whenever a snake movie slithers into existence, I automatically have that internal battle of “Should I really put myself through this?” The original Anaconda is a cult classic, but the effects look so cartoonish that it never scared me because of how silly and unrealistic the snakes looked. Even as a kid, those rubbery CGI noodles never managed to hit the fear centre of my brain. The movie then spawned multiple awful sequels, each somehow managing to serve up even worse CGI, so I had long accepted that this franchise simply wasn’t going to deliver an actually frightening serpent.

When I first heard that they were making an Anaconda remake, my first thought was, “Brilliant!” Finally, a chance to revive the idea with modern effects and maybe just maybe instil some genuine horror. That hope lasted roughly three seconds because then I heard it was going to be a comedy with Jack Black and Paul Rudd. And although the trailer makes it look like a fun time, I was disappointed that it wouldn’t take the creature feature route I’ve wanted for so long. I love a laugh as much as anyone, but snakes and jokes do not mix for me. If a giant serpent is on screen, my pulse needs to be climbing, not chuckling.

Then I started seeing still images floating around social media from a Chinese remake of Anaconda, and honestly just those pictures sent shivers down my spine. There was one shot in particular where the snake loomed inches from a man it had already wrapped tightly in its coils, its head lowering to stare directly into his face, and the realism of that moment made my stomach flip. Instantly, my interest shifted from the Hollywood remake to this mysterious Chinese version that nobody seemed to be talking about. I searched everywhere for a physical copy but came up empty, I am fairly certain it is not sold outside China or at least nowhere in the UK. Then one random night, while doom scrolling through Tubi, there it was. Free. Waiting. Challenging me.

Obviously the film has subtitles so keep that in mind if you have never watched a foreign film, but truthfully you could easily watch this without them. The movie is only 1 hour and 24 minutes long, so even if it turned out to be terrible, it would not be a massive time investment. And before I even get into the problems, let me give credit where credit is due, the snakes in this movie look incredible. This is exactly the type of creature design I have been craving for years. The movie wastes absolutely no time, throwing giant serpents onto the screen almost immediately, and as someone who is terrified of these creatures, I could not help but feel woozy and itchy in multiple scenes.

The environment is another pleasant surprise. Shot in Beijing, the dense jungle and long winding rivers look fantastic on screen. The film actually manages to create this atmospheric humid discomfort that works wonders alongside the constant serpent threat. You can practically feel the vines brushing your shoulders and the water lapping against the boat. If the rest of the film had matched the quality of the creature effects and the setting, we might have been looking at one of the better modern creature features.

Unfortunately, this is where the positives end. The editing is dreadful, so bad that when the movie began, I genuinely thought Tubi had skipped forward and I had missed a huge portion. Scene transitions feel like someone accidentally dropped the timeline on the floor and reassembled it in the wrong order. There is no real story to speak of and the characters are either dull or annoying, drifting through scenes with all the energy of background characters. It becomes clear pretty quickly that the film was not trying to build tension or earn emotional investment, it was just sprinting from one snake encounter to the next.

The only actor who managed to hold my attention in a positive way was Terence Yin playing the antagonist, a poacher determined to hunt the giant anaconda. He actually brings presence, which is more than I can say for the rest of the cast. They attempt to shoehorn in a storyline about human trafficking, but because the characters are so thin and forgettable, the dramatic beats land with a thud. You do not feel the urgency, the danger, or the emotional stakes, you are just waiting for the next serpent to appear.

If you are a fan of creature features, I would cautiously say this is worth a watch. It certainly satisfied my long standing hope for an Anaconda movie that could genuinely scare me or at least trigger my snake related fight or flight response. But it is not a film I ever need to watch again. I am glad I saw it once, but the acting and chaotic editing are not something I want to sit through a second time. And while I cannot imagine Paul Rudd and Jack Black’s Anaconda remake is going to scare me, at least I can guarantee I will get a good laugh out of it.

In the end, this Chinese remake did something the original never could, it made me physically uneasy at the sight of a snake on screen. And considering my phobia, maybe that alone means it accomplished exactly what it needed to, just not in the way a great film would.